During the course of growing up, there were a lot of things that parents and other adults said to me that I swore to myself I would never say to my kids. Things like, “Because I said so” or “I’ll explain when you’re older”. “Because I said so” fell by the wayside years ago, for the record, though in my defense I only ever use it after I’ve already explained the reason at least 8,741 times. At least. Recently with my elder child, I have changed this to “Why do you think?” which sometimes works.
However, there’s a whole host of things I’ve found myself saying that I never imagined I would need to say. I am, for example, absolutely positive no one—and I do mean no one—ever told me, or anyone in earshot, ‘Don’t lick your brother’ and yet it is something I’ve had to say, sadly, on more than one occasion.
I have quite a few prohibitions against licking. These include walls, floors, other people, other people’s utensils/food/possessions, the television/computer screen, the appliances, and anything you ‘find’ in a shopping mall, parking lot, etc.
“If you get poop on your hand, don’t wipe it on the wall.”
“No sword-fighting in the kitchen.” (Adam Engst only has one child, so his version of this was, ‘No fencing at the table’ which, I have to say, sounds a lot cooler.)
“No, it’s never OK to shoot an arrow in the house. Yes, even if your brother is REALLY annoying.”
“If you stick something in your nose/ear/belly button you can’t eat it.”
“Where’d you get that gum?” [Never ask, you don't want to know. See prohibitions on licking.]
“Why are you naked?”
“Put on pants!”
“Put on underwear, THEN put on pants!”
“Don’t put on the same underwear after your shower/bath.”
“It’s not a bath if you don’t use the soap.”
“Shampoo is not bubble-bath.”
“Opening the toilet is not the same as filling the dog’s water dish.” [well, it is, but still…]
“Your tiger did not turn on your lights after you went to bed.”
“Taking your brother’s toy so you can play with it is not sharing.”
“Taking your brother’s toy away to make him scream is not ‘teaching him to share.’”
“Don’t write ‘PENIS’ on your homework.”
“Don’t write ‘PENIS’ on your wall.”
“When Jamie and Adam say, ‘Don’t try this at home’ they are including you.”
“Just because Calvin did it doesn’t make it right. Calvin is not real.” [Sniff! made me sad to say that one.]
“No, that is NOT what the song ‘Great Balls of Fire’ is about.”
“It’s no ‘my-ranus’, it’s Uranus.” [This caused enough confusion we gave up.]
“TENNIS shoes, not antenna shoes.”
“Put the dishes in the dishwasher. Yes, this includes the ones in the sink. And on the table. And on the counter. Yes, this includes the knife you just dropped on the floor. And the cup you used at dinner. Yes, this includes your mother’s dishes. And your brother’s. I don’t care if it’s not fair, life’s not fair.”
“How many days since you pooped?”
“Your stomach|leg|back|chest hurts? Did you poop today?”
In fact, the number of conversations that revolve around pooping, burping, and farting is rather astonishing. I may be wrong, but I don’t remember that frequency from my own childhood.
There’s a few old nuggets I acquired somewhere that my parents never used, but maybe yours did.
“If wishes were horses, beggars would ride.”
“Have fun storming the castle!”
“The world is filled with annoying people. Deal with it.”
“Ads are lies that try to get your to buy something you don’t want.”
“Everything counts in large amounts.”
“You get what you pay for.”
“You don’t always get what you want.” [in my head: But if you try sometimes you just might find you get what you need.]
“If you build a man a fire, he’s warm for a day. If you SET a man on fire, he’s warm the rest of his life.”
“Measure once, cut twice.” [It's just funnier this way, and the point is made]
“If you don’t fail, you’re not trying.”
“Everything dies. EVERYTHING.”
“Worst day of your life, SO FAR.”
“Want is not need.”
“I hope someday you know the indescribable joy of having children, and of paying someone else to raise them.”
“Out of Cheese Error. Redo From Start.”
“It’s like those French have a different word for *everything*”
“Spontaneity has its time and place.” [this is irony, folks]
“Hamburgers. The cornerstone of any nutritious breakfast.”
“Life is what happens while you’re busy making other plans.”
“Advance and attack! Attack and destroy! Destroy and rejoice!”
“Some books are undeservedly forgotten; none are undeservedly remembered.”
“I don’t think the kind of friends I’d have would care.”
“There is no Rule Six.”
“Game over, man, Game over.”
“Nuke it from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.”
“It’s the end of the world. I feel fine.”
“I’m just sitting here watching the wheels go ’round.”
“Do not meddle in the affairs of Dragons for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup”
And these don’t even include the random movie and song quotes that I throw out on occasions when they seem appropriate. I figure someday they’ll make the connection and it will resonate, so that’s good.
But my favorite thing I tell not just my own kids, “Being smart is like being tall. It makes some things easier, but it doesn’t make you an NBA star.”